Can I be vulnerable for a second? Acknowledge the ways in which I’ve become far too cynical? I admit after how I’ve been hurt the past couple years, I’ve become too protective. I’m no longer the yearning princess, but have become the knight fiercely protecting her.
I have always struggled to let things unfold as they should. This form of control I’m self aware of [to the extent of once having an emotional breakthrough when on shrooms]. I know what I like, I have firm boundaries, I don’t mind enforcing them. I have a sharp tongue. I know that’s partly because I’m trying to prevent anyone from violating my trust, my body, my vessel ever again. My therapist says this is reasonable, I’ve had a lot of experiences to back those fears. It’s about taking what’s needed from the lesson & not living in fear of it. Control is fear. This is trauma.
I’m careful not to villainize someone’s search for companionship, we are humans wired for connection. I used to be someone very romantic. But this reality of selfish lovers, my own personal relationship patterns and growth has left me feeling, at times, defeated.
I feel that by 28, it’s important for women to re-access how they’ve been taught to settle for heteronormativity and the eternal search for the “perfect man”. For many generations of women in our lineage, marriage, kids, and childbearing was more like a requirement. There was rarely a safe place to escape to, that predicament leading to abusive, horrifying and sometimes deadly situations.
Once I started demanding more for myself, it was easy to invest in my art, regulating my nervous system, getting on the right kind of meds and not having sex. If living in reality has made me cynical, then doing so has lead me to a very reflective, important part of my adulthood. A much more grounded one.
I’m passionate about tapping back into the lover girl in me. Hope is a crucial part of creating that change. Having spent long enough reconnecting with myself, I find her aching for … romance? More so.. Hope that something or someone will contribute to this cognitive rewiring.
Page Artwork; O’ Irene by Lydia Ridley
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